I have one word for you – “exhausted”. Mallory feeds about every 3 hours, and it’s not a quick process. The whole thing includes a diaper change (sometimes 2, depending on her mood), a bottle, a pump and a wash for all of the paraphernalia that is required. Then, it’s a trip to the freezer to store my bounty and a trip to the kitchen because I’m always hungry. It all takes anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half. Do the math and you’ll realize that I get 1 ½ to 2 hours of sleep at a time. Of course, that is sprinkled with trips to the bassinet to make sure my baby is still breathing. I’m guessing that’s pretty normal with a newborn. . . and a first time mommy. Everyone says I should be sleeping when she sleeps. But if I do that, how do I get anything else done?
I guess I will have to admit that I’m having some “baby blues”. I don’t know if I would go so far as to call it postpartum depression. It probably has a lot to do with just being tired. And my days aren’t exactly a riot. Today, I looked at the clock, and it was 4:30. Where had the day gone?! All I could remember doing all day was feeding, pumping, changing diapers and washing the equipment (I think I ate at some point too). Crazy. I feel like crying for no apparent reason or for silly stuff, and my irritation level is very high (everything ticks me off). I prefer to spend the whole day in my room with my baby, hoping the world will just go away. Of course, it doesn’t and life must go on. I’m simply too tired to care.
How’s the nursing thing going? Hard to say. Sometimes she takes to it just fine. Other times she screeches like I’m ripping her toes off. When it does work for her, it takes 30-45 minutes, and she’s hungry again before I’m done with the follow up pump. Hopefully, it will get better as she gets bigger and stronger. Time will tell.
On top of trying to learn how to be a mommy to an infant, I find that I can’t even be a good mommy to one of my dogs. Poor Cole had been acting like something was attacking him. He kept looking up, then at his rear end, then up again. . . then, he would dart across the room with his tail between his legs like he was running away from something. We just thought he was turning psychotic. Well, I was letting them in from the backyard the other day, and he stopped to scratch at his neck. A big chunk of fur flew off of him. I picked it up, and it had a piece of scab attached to it (okay, I’ll try to be less gross from here out). Then, I inspected his neck (that sounds so simple. . . more accurately, I chased him around a bit and held him down while frantically yelling at him to be still). Apparently, the flea treatment I put on him last week was eating his skin. It was nasty (I would give more details but I already said that I would be less gross). So I have been “doctoring” that for a few days. It is looking much better, except he has a patch of missing hair that is bigger than a silver dollar. Now, the problem is keeping him from scratching it (which may have been what caused the problem in the first place). The good news is Mallory will never need a flea treatment so she should be safe.

Mallory is home now. ;) Our one night in the hospital with Mallory was uneventful. We watched a really old infant CPR video (judging by the clothing they were wearing, it had to be made in the ‘70s). I didn’t get any rest. Mallory makes a lot of noise in her sleep. And I couldn’t resist checking on her with every little whine, grunt and whimper (that, by the way, hasn’t changed much).
The doctor didn’t show up until after lunch. (I have decided that if you hate doctors, weekends are the perfect time to go to the hospital. They aren’t there!) He finally came in, told us Mallory looked great, and released us. The car ride home wasn’t as slow as I thought it would be. But Daddy got us home safely and that’s the important part. ;)
The only issue we countered that day was that Kylie wrecked the Jeep. (She’s doing fine, but the Jeep on the other hand is probably totaled.) It was very troubling for us to be at the hospital waiting to take Mallory home, and Kylie needed us at the same time. Fortunately, the wreck happened just down the road from her friend’s house. We called and asked if they could go be with her so she didn’t have to be alone. Right now, we are waiting on the appraisal. Then, we’ll go from there.
I went to the pulmonary doctor yesterday. I am clear. I have been taken off all of my medications except the albuterol (which I only have to use when I experience shortness of breath).
We have been so blessed in so many ways, but one of the biggest has to be the people we know. We have received dinner from a different person every night for the past week or so, and my understanding is that it will continue for about another week. Some have been from our church family and some have been from neighbors. God is really providing for us. I’m sue I could cook dinner if I had to, but it is so nice to realize that I don’t have to come up with something. That has been a great burden lifted.
My days are starting to run together. I am so exhausted. As expected, nights are long. Mallory is getting better at nursing, but we still have a way to go. So when she is hungry, we attempt that for a little while before resorting to the bottle. Last night, I went to bed around 11:00 pm. I was up again at 1:45 am and didn’t get to lie back down until 3:15 am. Then, I had to be up around 5:30 to get ready for Mallory’s first doctor visit. One more week, and she should be sleeping through the night, right? ;)
The doctor visit was good. She is up to 5 lbs. 12 ozs. and 18 ¾ inches long. Growing like a weed. ;) She was so quiet. She let them poke around on her and never got upset at all. The only exciting moment was when the doctor opened her diaper to mash around on her stomach. . . she had a major blow out. He looked at it and said, “Now, that’s something to be proud of.” I think we’ll like him.

It’s official. Mallory is coming home! She passed her car seat test. Now, her parents just have to pass “the test” – a night alone with her. ;) I have to admit that I’m excited and nervous. I still wonder why in the world God has entrusted me with this responsibility. He’s always pushing me to test my limits. I just have to trust that He will provide what I need.
I slept better last night than I have any other night. I hope that is a sign of things to come, but if I had to guess, that was just my last opportunity. ;) I think that it will be a little less hectic around here when we aren’t having to go to the hospital. Of course, I could just be fooling myself. Right now, all I can think of is leaning back in my rocking chair with my sleeping baby on my chest. . . with her head right under my nose so all I can smell is that sweet baby scent. Heaven.
I will admit that it has taken me a while to adjust to not being pregnant. I just wasn’t ready to not be pregnant anymore. . . if that makes any sense. I loved feeling her move. I loved sitting with my hands on my belly. I loved knowing exactly where she was and what she was doing 24/7. I honestly miss her. Maybe it would have been easier if she had been here. I don’t know. And it’s totally selfish, because Johnathan can experience her a lot more now than he could when she was still in me. I just wasn’t ready yet.
Now, I have to go pack a bag and go get my baby. ;) We’ll let you know how it goes.

What has been going on since we left the hospital? A lot of preparation and pumping. ;) We opened all of the gifts that we have (I’ll get thank you cards out next week) because we know that there is a lot of stuff we are going to need as soon as Mallory gets to come home.
I’m exhausted, and I know this is just the tip of the iceberg compared to how it will be when she is finally here. The first couple of days we were home, I was still on a lot of medications. I’m down to 2 inhalers and pain pills now. Not too bad. I wake up pretty much every hour during the night due to trips to the bathroom and sweating. But my ankles are going down so I’ll take it.
This week has been loaded with working a little (since we both weren’t quite ready to stay home yet) and trips back and forth to the hospital. I thought it would be a little relaxing, but it has been quite the contrary. Well wishes and prayers have been abundant, which has been such a blessing. Angie Hickman from our small group even came over and helped Johnathan clean one day while I went to the doctor and to feed Mallory. That one act of kindness relieved so much pressure from me. The dogs have been bathed, which will probably become a weekly event. . . at least until we feel comfortable that Mallory can handle more dander.
I got to start trying to nurse her on Monday. The girl is a pig! Of course, she and I will have to work on the feeding thing. We both have a learning curve to overcome (me more than her), but we can do it. We only let her nurse for a certain length of time at this point, because she can expend more calories trying to eat than she is taking in. Once we have reached that limit, Johnathan gives her a bottle. The very first one he gave here, she sucked down in a heartbeat. It was so funny. And she burps like a big girl (gets that from her daddy I guess, haha). The only problem I think that is left is her little tummy. She was on so many antibiotics that her stomach is messed up. . . which of course affects her hiney. It never fails, I’m trying to get the latch and she has a blow out. Poor thing. But that too shall pass.
This week has also been riddled with emotional ups and downs. On Monday, we went to feed her and on the way home, the nurse called to say that we really needed to pick a pediatrician. She believed that they were going to ask us to “room in” with Mallory on Tuesday or Wednesday (that is where we spend a whole night in the hospital taking care of her by ourselves before she gets to come home). When I went back on Tuesday, Nurse Polly Pessimist was there. (The name is unfair. She is just being realistic and honest.) Apparently, Mallory had a “spell” at some point and the doctor likes to keep the baby for 5 days after a “spell”. Of course, she couldn’t tell me what the “spell” was or when it happened. When we went back on Wednesday, another nurse looked it up for us (imagine that). On the 27th, Mallory’s heart rate and oxygen level dropped while she was sleeping. This nurse believes that you could hook any baby up to the monitor and, at some point, you would see a drop. But the doctor wants to be cautious so we’ll be understanding. The good news is that Polly Pessimist asked us today if we would be interested in rooming in tomorrow!! That means that Mallory will be coming home on Saturday! Yay! She still has to pass the car seat challenge. Every preemie must spend about 45 minutes in their infant carrier while hooked up to the monitor to make sure they don’t stop breathing. I’m sure she will pass with flying colors. So far she has been such an over-achiever. . . wonder where she got that from??

Well, it has been a long week and a half. Johnathan did a great job at keeping everyone informed so I don’t have a lot of facts to add. I’ll mostly stick to my perspective.
When I first encountered “the issue” at 3:30 am last Sunday, I almost dismissed it. . . or at least I almost decided to wait and see what happened. But something told me that it wasn’t okay so I hollered at Johnathan. The next hour or so is kind of a blur of calling the doctor and packing a bag. I think we were blessed that the emergency room was completely empty on a Saturday “night”. We were whisked immediately up to labor and delivery where they started by checking to see if it was amniotic fluid. I could tell by the look on the nurses faces and the way they looked at me that they were pretty sure even without the tests. That’s when I think it really hit me that the baby was coming whether we liked it or not. The most unfortunate thing was knowing that we would be going home at some point without our baby. I had been saying all along that I just wanted to get to 37 weeks. At 37 weeks, you are considered full term. But as He has before, God called me to just have faith that everything would be okay. I received lots of shots and lots of medication that day, but through it all, there is one memory that I will hold dear to my heart until the day I die. Lindsey called that night. There was a large group in our prayer room at church that wanted to pray for us. They put us on speakerphone. Johnathan leaned up next to me as close as he could so we could both hear. By they time they were done, I was so emotional, I was speechless. Johnathan had to thank them for us. Just knowing that we had so many people loving and supporting us was such a blessing.
The first drug they put me on didn’t slow the contractions much. But the time the on-call doctor got there at 5:30 pm, I was still having them 3-7 minutes apart. That’s when they decided to put me on magnesium. I will commend them for being honest. They told me that it was going to be bad. But, from what I understand, they put me on a high dose so I’m sure that didn’t help. They eventually got the contractions down to 1 an hour or so, but I didn’t sleep at all that night. Johnathan slept like a log. . . at least one of us needed to keep our strength up. That night he pulled his “bed” up next to mine. The nurses had to move him to check my blood pressure and draw blood and stuff. I need to stop here and thank my wonderful husband. He did so much, especially in those first couple of days. He helped me through a lot of “firsts”. . . first bed pan, first sponge bath, first catheter. . . the list goes on. (I will tell you though, after a couple of nights in the hospital, his bed got further and further away from mine. haha By the last night, he didn’t even know that anyone else had been in the room all night.)
I don’t remember much from Monday. I remember waking up feeling awful. I remember hurting between my shoulder blades, which, if you know the story, ended up being my lungs. And I remember Dr. Perales saying that we would have a baby by the end of the week. If I didn’t go on my own once I came off the magnesium, she would only let me go for a couple more days before inducing me. I was still overcome by sadness that we would leave the hospital without our baby. The last thing I remember about Monday night is coughing up blood and puking up my purely liquid dinner. By this time, I had been in bed for over 40 hours. My magnesium had been dropped considerably so I was also having contractions again. Around 2:00 am on Tuesday, I finally asked what could be done for pain. I had already had 2 shots previously, but I didn’t like the fact that it made the baby’s heart rate drop. It was too early for an epidural so in the end, we consented to another dose of painkiller. I knew that I would be laboring that day (something told me that one the magnesium wore off, I was going) and needed some rest. I think I slept for a solid 2 hours before I started feeling contractions again. If you’re counting, at this point, I have had very little sleep since Friday night because my water broke early Sunday morning. . . so Saturday night doesn’t count. ;)
Tuesday was the chaotic day. Gina “the wonder nurse” came in. I was still coughing up blood, and I was in pain (if you’re still counting, I have been having contractions for over 48 hours now). Within 2 hours, I had been diagnosed with pulmonary edema, but I had been cleared for my epidural so I was good to go. The epidural proved to be a little harder than anticipated. It migrated to the left for some reason, and Henry (my “bartender”) couldn’t change it. He tried a couple of times, but just couldn’t get it to go straight. Fortunately, gravity can help that situation so I was soon laboring peacefully, tilted to the right. . . at least for a while. Because of the lung trouble, they wanted to keep me on a low dose of meds. . . apparently, they liked me still breathing. Plus, I had a fever and so many other things going on that I was metabolizing the meds differently. Henry had to come back every hour or so to pump me up because I would start feeling the contractions again. Around 6:00, he had to pull out “the good stuff” because he had to go to surgery and wouldn’t be as readily available. This stuff rocked and lasted a lot longer. At about 6:45, Gina came in and said that she had called Dr. Perales. She was noticing what she called “lates”. They are supposed to see “earlies”, which is where the baby’s heart rate goes up before a contraction. Our baby was going late. This meant she was getting tired. Dr. Perales got there around 7:20 to check me out. As she was examining me, she decided to have me push a little. I guess that did it, because the next thing I knew, she was screaming at me to push hard! Little did I know, our family was standing just outside our delivery room door (I had instructed them to go the waiting room. . . so much for my wishes). Gina had to run and tell them to go down the hall. . . it was going to be a while. Nothing in the room was prepared for this delivery. The next thing I knew, Johnathan had one leg, Gina had the other and 15 people were running in and out of the room getting ready for this arrival. (Incidentally, Dr. Perales admitted to us later that I had surprised her. She thought she was going to check me, go have a burger and come back. . . that explains why she disappeared and came back with peanut butter and crackers. . . at least she offered to share.)
The delivery was actually pretty great. I only pushed for about 30-35 minutes. I met the neonatal doctor in between contractions. I told him that I wanted him to tell me that my baby could go home with me. He said he was a man, and he could lie. But I told him that he wasn’t a woman so he couldn’t change his mind. Henry came back to join the party. He said I timed it perfectly. I delivered right as I ran out of medication in my pump. I love it when a plan comes together. ;)
Once the baby was out, Johnathan told me that we had Mallory. She was whisked right past him to the baby doc. They gave her 3 pumps of oxygen, and she was good to go (those steroid injections are a wonderful thing). They handed her to Johnathan, and he held her down so I could see her and touch her. I was immediately overwhelmed by the task that God had just set before me. What was I thinking?? What am I suppose to do with a baby?! I guess I will just take comfort in the fact that God doesn’t make mistakes. Besides, she’s beautiful. ;) I think we’ll keep her.
We delivered on Tuesday and finally got to leave the hospital late Friday night. I could tell you a few other stories from those days. . . like the fact that my husband, who had been so supportive for the first 3 days, thought he was going to get away with feeding our child her first bottle without me (I’m sure those nurses had never seen a woman get out of bed so fast with so many things attached to her to waddle down the hall to the nursery.) Or I could tell you about how massive my legs got (think Nutty Professor). Or I could tell you about Johnathan putting latex gloves on his head (cabin fever comes to mind). But I think this is long enough for tonight, and I’m exhausted. Tomorrow, I promise to try to catch you up on what has happened since.